i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
So. Much. Porn.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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