This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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