The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
