i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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