I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
