I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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