I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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