A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
