Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
