I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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