1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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