and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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