So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
