I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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