That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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