Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my shit smells like andre
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
