I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
