rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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