Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
