my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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