his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
