i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
