Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
