the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
