I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
