she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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