Can i not drive my cunt home
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
