I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
