dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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