I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
