so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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