I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
