just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
