yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
