I am spending my child support on dildos
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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