apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
