Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
