saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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