The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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