I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
