i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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