I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
