Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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