for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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