i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm always down for nudity.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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