glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
