Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My pussy is not your playground.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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