K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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