if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
