ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
