i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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