i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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