that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
