That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
