I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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